Who to tell

Who to tell when someone dies

When someone dies it can be overwhelming to know who to inform. How to inform people can feel overwhelming too. Below are some suggestions on how to navigate this.

Family and friends

While telling family and friends about the death of someone important to them can be difficult, it can be a first step in celebrating the person’s life and processing the loss. The way you deliver this news can have an impact on the person you are telling so it is helpful to prepare how you will let them know and what you will say ahead of time.

Don’t feel like you must rush to tell other people about the death. Take time to process what has happened and to organise your thoughts. The responsibility for informing family and friends can be shared, you can nominate someone to help notify others of the death.

Once people are informed of the death you may start receiving well wishes from those wishing to express their condolences. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by the incoming messages, it is okay not to respond. It may help to nominate a contact person in your place to field any calls and/emails until you feel ready to navigate these yourself. You can also silence notifications on your phone, add an automatic reply to your emails or updated message on your voicemail. You can then reply when you feel ready.

Children

“How do I tell my children? When do I tell them?”.

These are common questions we hear from those who are responsible for sharing news of the death with children. The short answer is, tell them the truth, and tell them as soon as possible.

There is no perfect time to share the news of someone’s death. The right time is the one you create. Ideally, children will hear of the death from someone they trust. Provide a short, simple, and factual explanation of what happened in language the child can understand (depending on their age and developmental level). Let their questions guide what else to share. Answer their questions about death in an honest and consistent way and try not to minimise the impact of what has happened by saying that “everything is fine.”

It is best to avoid euphemisms such as ‘passed away’ or ‘went to sleep’ as this can confuse children, particularly younger children. If the person died from an illness, it is good to name it, such as cancer rather than saying ‘she got really sick and died’. When we provide vague and general statements, this can create anxiety for young children and they may fear the next time a family member gets sick, that they too will die. It can also help to explain why their loved one died, e.g. “Daddy died because his body stopped working and he could no longer breathe or eat.” This seeks to reassure children that the death wasn’t their fault or because of something they said or did.

Organisations

In addition to your friends and family you will also need to notify several organisations. Clinical Excellence Queensland have developed a  contact list to guide you through the various organisations you may need to contact.

The Australian Death Notification Service is a free government initiative to help people get in touch with multiple organisations using a single online notification.