How to: Be Assertive

Assertiveness is an interpersonal skill in which you demonstrate the healthy confidence to stand up for yourself while still respecting the rights of others. When you are assertive, you are neither passive nor aggressive, but direct and honest. You don’t expect other people to know what you want, so you speak up to ask for what you need calmly and with confidence.

Because assertiveness is based on mutual respect, it’s an effective and diplomatic communication style. Being assertive shows that you respect yourself because you’re willing to stand up for your interests and express your thoughts and feelings. It also demonstrates that you’re aware of others’ rights and willing to work on resolving conflicts.

Being assertive gives you the best chance of successfully delivering your message.

The benefits of being assertive

Assertiveness offers many benefits. Being more assertive lets you effectively express your feelings when communicating with others about issues.

Being assertive is a positive communication style. It helps you keep people from taking advantage of you. It can also help you to remain respectful and avoid being perceived as a bully.

If are behaving assertively can you:

• Gain self-confidence and self-esteem
• Understand and recognise your feelings
• Earn respect from others
• Improve communication
• Create win-win situations
• Improve your decision-making skills
• Create honest relationships
• Gain more job satisfaction

What does this look like?

Managers who are appropriately assertive are perceived as:

• self-confident and with healthy self-esteem
• Understand and recognise the feelings of others
• Respectful communication
• Good communicator
• A person who creates win-win situations
• Good decision-making skills
• Creating honest relationships

How can I do this?

1. Understand and accept differences

Assertiveness means considering other people’s points of view. Just as you state your own opinion, you work to understand other points of view. Don’t allow differences to upset you or make you angry. Remember that differences don’t necessarily mean you are right, and the other person is wrong. Try to understand their point of view. Listen respectfully and don’t interrupt when they are speaking.

2. The power of “I”

To be assertive without coming across as hostile, use “I” statements. Make it a habit to start sentences with “I think … ” or “I feel… “. Try to not use phrases like “You never… ” or “You always…. ” These statements are heard as accusations by other people. This leaves them frustrated, and they shut down conversation. “I” statements allow you to be confident and assertive without alienating and eliminating other people.

Using “I” statements lets others know what you’re thinking or feeling without making accusations. For instance, say, “I disagree,” rather than, “You’re wrong.” If you have a request, say, “I would like you to help with this” rather than, “You need to do this.” Keep your requests simple and specific.

3. Speak simply and directly

When you’re practicing assertiveness, it’s important to speak in a way that doesn’t make accusations or make the other person feel guilty. Speaking your truth with honesty shouldn’t mean making others feel wrong. Be simple, direct, and concise, and state what you know to be true for you.

When asserting yourself, remember, less is more. Keep your requests short. Avoid long-winded explanations.

4. Stay calm

Being assertive might make you feel excited, but excitement can sometimes come across as being aggressive. Learn to stay cool and calm when expressing yourself; it will make you more confident and allow the other person to relax. Remember to breathe normally and be mindful of body language and eye contact.

Calm mind, calm speech, calm action; it not only gives you confidence but allows the other person to remain composed as well.

5. Keep emotions in check

Conflict is hard for most people. Maybe you get angry or frustrated, or maybe you feel like crying. Although these feelings are normal, they can get in the way of resolving conflict. If you feel too emotional going into a situation, wait if possible. Then work on remaining calm. Breathe slowly. Keep your voice even and firm.

6. Take time to breathe

If your heart starts racing at the mere thought of placing a boundary, take a moment to breathe deeply. Breathing will calm the brain and the body and help ground yourself, making it easier to come back to your intentions.

The next time you feel yourself getting overwhelmed or losing focus, try this exercise:

• Find a quiet place to sit or stand.
• Inhale deeply through your nose.
• Hold your breath and count to 5.
• Slowly release your breath by exhaling through your nose.

7. Set boundaries

Boundaries are the rules and limits you create for yourself that help you decide what you will and won’t allow. You don’t want people to walk all over you, but you don’t want people to think you are a bully, either. Setting boundaries will empower you to know when you need to say yes and when you want to say no.

Examples include:

• “I’m not prepared to discuss this any longer. Let’s take a break.”
• “I won’t be able to undertake that. I’ll ask someone else on the team to help you.”
• “Thank you for letting me know. I’ll take it from here.”

8. Rehearse what you want to say

If it’s challenging to say what you want or think, practice general scenarios you encounter. Say what you want to say out loud. It may help to write it out first, too, so you can practice from a script. Consider role-playing with a friend or colleague and ask for clear feedback.

Here are a few starters:

• “Let me get back to you on that.”
• “I need to check my calendar.”
• “I have a schedule conflict.”
• “I won’t be able to, I have plans.”

If you do decide to say you need to check some things first, make sure to get back to the person.

Above all, remember that you’re not obligated to explain your reasoning for declining a request or invitation.

9. Use positive body language

Communication isn’t just verbal. Act confident even if you aren’t feeling it. Keep an upright posture. You may wish to lean forward (but not aggressively). Make regular eye contact. Maintain a neutral or positive facial expression. Don’t cross your arms or legs. Practice assertive body language in front of a mirror or with a friend or colleague.

Pay attention to how they respond to your tone of voice and body language. Are you communicating without becoming shy or hostile? Evaluate yourself afterward. Tweak your approach according to their input.

10. Start small

At first, practice your new skills in situations that are low risk. For instance, try to practice your assertiveness with a trusted friend or colleague before tackling a difficult situation at work. Evaluate yourself afterward and tweak your approach as necessary.

You may find this challenging if you…

• Have a habit of saying “yes”
• Usually default to being passive
• Frequently go on the offensive
• Have difficulty thinking before you speak
• Have trouble telling the difference between passive, aggressive and passive-aggressive behaviours
• Do not practice being assertive
• Do not consider or value other people’s perspectives or experiences
• Do not know what you want
• Think your needs don’t matter
• Forget the other person is human too
• Are frustrated
• Not feeling secure in your own ability
• Fear that you will come across as ‘aggressive’
• Fear that you will hurt the other person’s feelings
• Fear another person’s anger or disapproval
• Have guilt about placing our needs first
• Are uncomfortable asking others to see our preferences as important
• Fear appearing to be ‘selfish’
• Fear being rejected or disliked
• Believe assertiveness is personality trait rather than a skill we learn

You may not be assertive if you are…

• Spending too much time looking for the ultimate win-win situation
• Not valuing your needs as much as those of others
• Unclear on assertion versus aggression, passivity, and passive-aggressive behaviours
• Deciding on an outcome before a discussion
• Letting debates continue for too long
• Not allowing less assertive people to contribute as well
• Assuming that silence from others means you are “doing it right”